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 A Marine's Date...or how to serve MRE's! Bon appetit!

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Join date : 2009-03-17
Age : 47
Location : 2nd star to the right...

PostSubject: A Marine's Date...or how to serve MRE's! Bon appetit!   Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:19 pm

Try not to pee laughing.

Quote :
For those of us who have eaten these things we can definitely understand
how she felt----- For all of you who know what an MRE is...
And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read.

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of
view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauted in shaved garlic
and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like

I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it
out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop.
I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kind of like Velveeta) and
added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has
green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled
powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess...Could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is
EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the
Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made,
of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she loved the food.

Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and
kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals.
She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah...
Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest
room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and
a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each,Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good)
and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG
with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles
meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on
my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.

Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she
finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had
made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into
the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash
can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days,
and when she finally did,the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner
for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

Kokopelli 100 Shadowpriest
Chiarascuro 80 Sylvari Mesmer
Harptone 100 Minstrel (LOTRO)
SNES Fanboi, player of (series) Shadow Hearts, Suikoden, Castlevania, Drakengard (Nier), Dragon Age, and Torchlight.

"It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the bean of java that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains.  The stains become a warning.  It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion."  -Dunecat
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Posts : 162
Join date : 2009-08-08
Age : 38
Location : Nebraska

PostSubject: Re: A Marine's Date...or how to serve MRE's! Bon appetit!   Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:28 am

Creep wrote:
Try not to pee laughing.

Quote :
I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like

How in Hell would that ever look like succotash? I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Last edited by kyarr on Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:55 am; edited 1 time in total
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Posts : 281
Join date : 2009-03-17
Age : 38

PostSubject: Re: A Marine's Date...or how to serve MRE's! Bon appetit!   Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:31 am


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